Friday, July 24, 2015

I’m a cat lover, and I just killed one

Today, as I about to leave for work, I .. I.. I hit a cat to death. I feel like crap. To make it worse, it was my own cat, the cat I pet every day. He was 5 months old. I curse myself all day. I’m a cat lover, and I just ran over a cat to death. How am I supposed to feel? I feel devastated!

I was late already, I chased all of the cats away, but they would not listen. I chased them away twice. I even tricked them by pouring the food in their plate so they would stay and eat. I get into the car, and reverse. Then I heard a scream. I looked at the window in front of me, looking at the reflection. I saw one body, his legs was sticking up. I jumped out of my car and saw his head was crushed and his eye was out. I screamed my lungs out, gasped and cried. I kill him. There’s nothing I can do, he’s dead. Allah!

My brother and my mum came out after they heard my scream. Man I screamed hella loud. I saw one neighbour came out too. I couldn’t control myself. And I thought, no I can’t go to work like this. I don’t want to drive anymore. I lifted my cat and brushed his fur saying I’m sorry repeatedly and called out his name. No please..

I just wanted to get this out of my chest. Now I feel all the guilt and burden on my shoulders. I used to blame people who hit cats on the road easily. I used to say, “how on earth can they hit a cat? were they blind? Were they driving too fast? Can’t they avoid it?” I used to say all those words.

You see.. I’m not blind. I will do anything to take it back. I was driving so slow, I was not speeding at all, I was only trying to reverse the car. But it happened. I think this is karma. And it hit me in the face. Because sometimes those people don’t hit the cat on purpose. They would never run over the cat if they saw it.

You can say all the good things to me now, it won’t help me to feel better. I just want to cry the blood out of my eyes. I love him so much. I want to see him grow up. It was his destiny, damn I know that. Mum keeps telling me the same thing. But I kill him! I took his life away! I was the one driving the car. I can’t forgive myself.

What am I going to tell my manager? My boss and all? If I tell them my story, I think they’ll laugh. They’ll say “it just a cat!”

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Mentally depressed

It’s the first entry in 2015. I’m so sorry blog. I neglected you. Woah, my blog is so dusty like the snow pouring down in Beijing. Nothing you could see from the ground you stand, but the dust! I’m still sane thank you very much.

Lately, I’ve been so depressed. So painful. So sad. W H Y ? 
1. I’m jobless
2. I leave the campus, my 2nd home *graduate
3. My cat died, too soon, he’s 6 months old. *I cried 4 days and 4 nights **still crying alone when I miss him

Please give me a job here in Kedah. I am sending the resume to PPD soon, I hope they will return me a call. Insya Allah. I want to say sorry to those I’ve hurt all years since 2009. Please forgive me. I was naïve and emotional. It was kind of my fault. I’ve said sorry, I’ve done my part, so please, please do yours.

My azam for 2015: I want to read as many as I can.