I’m a cat lover, and I just killed one

Today, as I about to leave for work, I .. I.. I hit a cat to death. I feel like crap. To make it worse, it was my own cat, the cat I pet every day. He was 5 months old. I curse myself all day. I’m a cat lover, and I just ran over a cat to death. How am I supposed to feel? I feel devastated!

I was already late, I chased all of the cats away, but they would not listen. I chased them away twice. I even tricked them by pouring the food in their plate so they would stay put and eat. I hopped into the car, and reversed. Then I heard a scream. I looked at the sliding window in front of me, looking at the reflection. I saw one body, his legs was sticking up. I jumped out of my car and saw his head was crushed and his eye was out. I screamed my lungs out, gasped and cried. I killed him. There’s nothing I can do, he’s dead. Allah!

My brother and my mum came out after they heard my scream. Man I screamed loud. I saw one neighbour came out too. I couldn’t control myself. And I thought, no I can’t go to work like this. I don’t want to drive anymore. I lifted my cat and brushed his fur saying I’m sorry repeatedly and called out his name. No please..

I just wanted to get this out of my chest. Now I feel all the guilt and burden on my shoulders. I used to blame people who hit cats on the road easily. I used to say, “How on earth can they hit a cat? Were they blind? Were they driving too fast? Can’t they avoid it?” I used to say all those words.

You see.. I’m not blind. I will do anything to take it back. I was driving so slow, I was not speeding at all, I was only trying to reverse the car. But it happened. I think this is karma. And it hit me in the face. Because sometimes those people didn’t hit the cat on purpose. They would never run over the cat if they saw it.

You can say all the good things to me now, it won’t help me to feel better. I just want to cry the blood out of my eyes. I love him so much. I want to see him grow up. It was his destiny, I know that. Mum keeps telling me the same thing. But I killed him! I took his life away! I was the one driving the car. God, I can’t forgive myself.

What am I going to tell my manager? My boss and all? If I tell them my story, I think they’ll laugh. They’ll say “it just a cat!”

Mentally depressed

It’s the first entry in 2015. I’m so sorry blog. I neglected you. Woah, my blog is so dusty like the snow pouring down in Beijing. Nothing you could see from the ground you stand, but the dust! I’m still sane thank you very much.

Lately, I’ve been so depressed. So painful. So sad. W H Y ? 
1. I’m jobless
2. I left the campus, my 2nd home *graduate
3. My cat died, too soon, he’s 6 months old. *I cried 4 days and 4 nights **still crying alone when I miss him (Pipong)

Please give me a job here in Kedah. I am sending the resume to PPD soon, I hope they will return me a call, insya Allah. I want to say sorry to those I’ve hurt all years since 2009. Please forgive me. I was naïve and emotional. It was kind of my fault. I’ve said sorry, I’ve done my part, so please, please do yours.

My azam for 2015: I want to read as many as I can. 

Just don't 'use' me

The word ‘ask for help’, ‘want your help’ can be changed with ‘using you’.

They want your help.
They are using you. 

Can I ask you to buy a burger for me?
Can I use you to buy a burger for me?

Can I ask you to bring me the lunchbox?
Can I use you to bring me the lunchbox?

See? It happens to anyone until at certain point you realized that it is not about helping anymore, it becomes something else and it gets on your nerves.

Maybe once or twice, it will be a pleasure for you, but the next time people ask you for help, you won’t feel the same anymore. You started thinking that people are using you, because to them you’re very nice and too polite to say no. Sounds like you? It shouldn’t be.

How to avoid that feeling? Be sincere. And do everything for the sake of Allah. If you do this, your anger will not come, your sincerity will embrace you, your humbleness will begin to show, your ‘sacrifice’ will be the reason for you to enter Jannah. All this can be the reason for you to be qualified enough to enter Jannah.


If you do this, let’s just think that one day Allah will reward you for what you did. You help people, (although you think differently), Allah will surely help you back.

Yes, I am talking to myself and talking to the world reading this. PREACH!

Apa rasanya bila habis belajar

Salam sejahtera. Maafkan keterlaluan ku dalam mengabaikan ruangan menulis ini.

Masa dulu, saya selalu fikir nak habis belajar awal. Tulis macam - macam seperti ini. Sekarang, masa tu hampir tiba. Gila lah. Cepatnya masa berlalu. Dulu selalu bising kata belajar makan banyak masa. Sistem pelajaran di sini terlalu banyak dan terlalu lama. Memang betul pun. Tak tipu. Saya masih setuju dan rasa semua tu betul.

Bila nak habis dah belajar, saya mula rasa sayang nak tinggalkan U ni. Rasa macam, alaihai, memang tak datang dah la kat Gombak ni. Rumah tetap pun kat Kedah. Macam mana dengan kawan – kawan, memori, events, pemandangan di sini. Saya mesti akan rindu tempat ni. Even sekarang pun, belum keluar lagi dah rasa macam ni. How would I live without you? I want to know. How would I live without you? Tetiba.

Lepas ni, kena mula fikir fasal kerja tetap, simpan duit, daftar itu ini, cari kereta sendiri, kumpul duit, belajar jahit belajar masak, mungkin sambung belajar, atau kahwin. Semua kena fikir dan kena mula jadi matang. Kalau boleh, saya nak kekal muda saja. Dan belajar sahaja kerjanya.

Tapi, orang kata, kita kena belajar sentiasa walaupun bukan di sekolah atau universiti. Hidup kita sentiasa belajar, ilmu kena sentiasa ada. Kalau dah habis belajar pun, kena belajar jugak dengan sendiri. Beli buku ke, hadiri majlis ilmu ke, tengok halaqah ke, semua kekal belajar.

Cuma bila dah mula bekerja dan bekerjaya, mesti kita lebihkan kerja kan. Terabai sikit ibadah sunat atau majlis ilmu. Balik kerja mesti nak rehat. Itupun kalau boleh rehat lah. Kena mula rancang dan tanam keazaman. Berapa dah umur Atirah sekarang ni? Teruk lah.

Tuju pada diri dan tuju pada yang mahu. 

Yesterday was different

Warm breeze touching my face,
Doesn’t bring cold, doesn’t bring gold,
Neither brings comfort,
Not even cozy,
Just normal and cannot hurt,
But yesterday rain came,
Pouring hard and alive,
Indeed this is home with no replace.